ode to dad 

my daddy and I

my daddy and I

I wish there was a way to bring him back. The sound I hear of someone steping on the front step right before the door opens reminds me of when he used to come home. The way th garage door opens reminds me of when I was little and he would be gone for weeks at a time in Asia or Europe or Africa and I would sit in the garage for hours playing games until the door opened and he parked his car got out and crouched to the ground and I would run up and take him in a hug and scream ” Daddies Home”. The way that pen ink smells before it drys reminds me of him , when I would hug him my face would go right to the pocket of his dress shirt where he kept his pens and he always forgot to put the caps on creatin little ink stains that smelt deliciously safe to me. When he would get off a plane and I would run to the bottom of the escalator and hug him and say ” I love the way you smell like plane because it means you’re really home”. I miss him every moment of every day. They way his body would be warm and his ears would be so cold. The freckles he had on his hands. The way he would lay on the couch taking it up until I would sit on his legs and then he would pin me down with them and tickle me until I cried from laughing. The way that I used to lay on his stomach and hear his belly gurgle because of his celiacs. The way that he would get so frustrated when I was 7 and could kill him at soccer. The way that he would yell YAHTZEE every Friday night. The way that he would sing Johnny cash songs and rub my back until I fell asleep. The way he would dance to bob Marley in the car and sing in his Jamaican voice. The way he would say things in different accents to make me laugh. His dumb jokes and hilarious belly laugh. The way he used to pick me up and put me in a potato sack. The way he would effortlessly say yes to any adventure I suggested. Every Saturday morning riding bikes down the river path and skipping rocks until we driped in sweat and then coming home and jumping in the pool. The way he looked at me and smiled. The way his soft hair felt in my hands. The way his wedding ring shined I his finger. The way his hands were so strong. The way his biceps bulged under his polo. The way he smelt sweaty and mixed with axe after going to the gym. The way he would talk to me when he was happy. The way he would rub his stubble on my cheek to annoy me. The way he would playfully say do you want a slaping or a whoopin and if I said slaping he would rub his hand on my face and kiss my forehead and if I said whoopin he would yell whoopin and hug me, even when I was in trouble but he didn’t punish me. The way he would put me in timeout and sit next me until it was over because he didn’t want me to be mad at him. The way he would hug me and tease me. I miss him so much it takes every part of me not to break down in grief. I love him so much and all I want is my daddy back, cause it isn’t fair that it was him. 

life a poem 

Life has caused me to expect the worst 

and hope for the best.

 I was born an optimist

 life has given me pesimism 

and I came out a realist 

with hope.

 I’ve been living this life 

trying to find myself in others,

 I looked every direction except inward 

and I finally have started growing 

in every way.

 I’m not popular,

I’m not fake, 

I’m not busy on the weekends,

 I don’t go to parties,

 I don’t text every second, I 

don’t judge my self or others as harshly, 

I’m trying to change for the better

.’m following my passion. 

I’m living in my feelings and emotions.

 I’m chasing my dreams

and following my gut feelings. 

The saddness that I have been in 

has brought me to be more comfortable with myself 

and realize I am great 

and I will NEVER settle again

 I am me 

and I don’t know exactly who that is yet, 

but I’m excited to see. 

xx

Blair 

my eyelids 

Behind my eyelids I can imagine you are alive.

That your life wasn’t hard and didn’t affect me.

I can imagine that I’m happy and your happy

and that we are happy together and that you never died and that my happiness didn’t die with you.

I can pretend that I’m happy when my eyes are closed.

I can pretend that my life is normal and that I have friends,

real friends that help one another whenever they need it.

Friends that love each other.  

friends in general would be nice too.

I wonder what I did to deserve to only be happy behind my eyelids.

I can see beautiful things and imagine a world full of color and joy and hope but when I open them all I see is gray,

with tiny spots of color here and there.

Some people might call this depression but I don’t believe them.

I have been like this my whole life,

I can read people and see right through them.

But sometimes I’m too afraid of people and who they truly are that I close my eyes

and imagine that they are the people I wish that they could be.

When I open my eyes and see those people I can’t decipher between my imaginary persona for them and who they truly are.

I want life to always be how it is behind my eyelids where everyone is full of joy

and hope for a bright future and there is no brutality and trauma but life cannot be like that.

I’m not sure why but all I know is that it can’t.

We are born to die.

It’s the cold hard truth but its the to between born and die that is life.

Life is time and opportunity.

And in this time I have I’m trying to make opportunity for happiness

and that is why I close my eyes and dream of a life where we can be happy together.

A life where I had a normal child hood a life where I’m proud of myself

a life where I don’t fight with the ones I love a life where I’m happy.  

A life where no bad things happen. 

xx

blair

3/19/13: during my deepest depression 

Behind my eyelids I can imagine you are alive. That your life wasn’t hard and didn’t affect me. I can imagine that I’m happy and your happy and that we are happy together and that you never died and and that my happiness didn’t die with you. I can pretend that I’m happy when my eyes are closed. I can pretend that my life is normal and that I have friends, real friends that help one another whenever they need it. Friends that love eachother.  friends in general would be nice too. I wonder what I did to deserve to only be happy behind my eyelids. I can see beautiful things and imagine a world full of color and joy and hope but when I open them all I see is gray, with tiny spots of color here and there. Some people might call this depression but I don’t believe them. I have been like this my whole life, I can read people and see right through them. But sometimes I’m too afraid of people and who they truly are that I close my eyes and imagine that they are the people I wish that they could be. When I open my eyes and see those people I can’t decipher between my imaginary persona for them and who they truly are. I want life to always be how it is behind my eyelids where everyone is full of joy and hope for a bright future and there is no brutality and trauma but life cannot be like that. I’m not sure why but all I know is that it can’t. We are born to die. It’s the cold hard truth but its the to between born and die that is life. Life is time and opportunity. And in this time I have I’m trying to make opportunity for happiness and that is why I close my eyes and dream of a life where we can be happy together. A life where I had a normal child hood a life where I’m proud of myself a life where I don’t fight with the ones I love a life where I’m happy.  A life where no bad things happen.  

(I don’t smoke anymore so save the lecture) 

xx 

Blair  

dear dead dad (a poem) 

 As I sit here I lay these flowers on your grave 

I say each blessing that you gave
I remember the sad and the bad
But the overall good is what really stood
Hurt is was what you gave
By no means did you want it but it would not change
You make me so mad
I miss you smiling face and all the life you chased
If you could you wouldn’t want what you had
Life hurt you
It treated you bad
You died at a young age
And no matter what I do that will never change
You made me grow faster than anyone
You were like my lifes master
I have no control
You have it all
Your problems turned into my problems
They will haunt me and mock
Even though we will never talk
We do not speak of the pain
We only speak of the gain
Society pulled me down
But now I wear these problems like a crown

My Life

Now that I have gotten my first post out of the way let me tell you about my life.

I have one older brother who is 30. His name is Bri. Bri is like that golden child that I am convinced my mom likes more than me even though she will never admit it. He is successful and makes good money and lives in a fancy condo on the east coast with his boyfriend Nick. They have been together for 4 isn years and are going to get married soonish (like with in the next few years).

My Dad died when I was 15 from a pulmonary embalism (I can’t spell). It was unexpected but he was struggling with a lot of other things at the time so his death was not completely random. He was bi-polar. He didn’t change his mind every second like people think, he just had long periods of extremes. He had long bouts of depression and mania. In 2008 he was so depressed he tried to commit suicide. I was 11 and I found him on the couch after he OD’ed on my dogs seizure meds. He went to the metal hospital twice, once after his suicide attempt and again about 6 months before he died because he was so manic. It was on his second visit to the psych ward that they diagnosed him with bi polar. Regardless of all the shit my dad put me through he was still a great dad and I love him a lot. He taught me a lot and was my biggest cheerleader. He was my best friend and I love him deeply.

My mom is now a single parent. She works a lot cause she owns her own firm and she spends about 6 days a week consumed with work. She is a great mom and provides  a lot for me. I love her dearly and I don’t know where I’d be without her.  She pulled me out of some dark days. She has never left my side and continues to love me no matter what. She is honestly my best friend and I’m not ashamed of saying that.

I have my best friend Zoe. She saved me from killing myself after my dad died. After my dad died I started cutting and I got really depressed so I told my old group of friends and they went to my schools administration nd told them I was suicidal. I was pulled into the office and they had to do an E Val on me. I got pissed at them and I felt even more alpine. I yelled at them and told them they weren’t being good friends. They went behind my back and it sucked. I was ambushed. Anyways the moral of the story is they all left me and I had no friends. I was self harming, my dad had just died, I was alone, and I was mad at everyone around me. Zoe reached out to me because her dad died when she was young and then she listened to me and talked to me and helped me through all of it. She really helped me. Now we are still close. I don’t think we will ever stop being friends cause of what we went through together.

I also have 3 cats. They are all named after planets/solar system themed things. I usually just refer to them as the solar system. I love them a lot and they are the cutest things ever. The momma cat is named neptune. Last year we rescued her and while we were on a trip over summer break zoe let her out before she was fixed and she got knocked up. She had 5 kittens and had to get a c-section cause her vag was too small to birth them. We kept too of the kittens and adopted the rest of them out. Mars is my baby boy cat. The other ones official name is star but she is all grey with a white tip pn her tail so we call her a variation of baby/kitty white tail/stink butt (she is really small and really sassy).

I live in a big house with my mom and cats an we are getting ready to sell it. Ive lived here since I was 3 and Im nervous to leave. I live in a suburb of a medium sized city. For the sake of privacy (even though who knows why Im writing this in the first place if I want privacy) Im not going to say the names. I go to an all girls school in downtown and I have to drive 30 mins into the city everyday to get to school. Its catholic and big and all girls. Its grand…. anyways High school sucks ( like I said previously) and you will get to find out why.