dear dead dad (a poem) 

 As I sit here I lay these flowers on your grave 

I say each blessing that you gave
I remember the sad and the bad
But the overall good is what really stood
Hurt is was what you gave
By no means did you want it but it would not change
You make me so mad
I miss you smiling face and all the life you chased
If you could you wouldn’t want what you had
Life hurt you
It treated you bad
You died at a young age
And no matter what I do that will never change
You made me grow faster than anyone
You were like my lifes master
I have no control
You have it all
Your problems turned into my problems
They will haunt me and mock
Even though we will never talk
We do not speak of the pain
We only speak of the gain
Society pulled me down
But now I wear these problems like a crown

Lets talk about sex

Some people could call me a reinvented virgin, I just think of my self as on a prolonged sex vacation. I had sex for the first and last time on June 14 last year. I lost my V card to a young gentleman named charlie whom I met on the fine app known as tinder. Sex sucked, he tried about 10 times before I said yes. He kept asking to fuck and I kept saying no…finally I gave up I said yes. We got naked did some 69 action, and then he was inside me. Boy it hurt like hell. I was screaming and crying out. He thought that I was having so many orgasms but really I was yelling in pain. What felt like 3 hours was probably about 60 seconds he pulled out and came all over me. Some got in my v and I started freaking out thinking I was gonna get preggo. I ran to the bathroom and washed it off and wiped it all off but the damage was done. What if I was pregnant. I walked back into his room naked where he was sitting on the bed I sat next to him.

I said, “I realize I don’t know your last name”

He replied but in my freaked out mindset it went over my head. I got dressed quickly and walked out.

He followed me to the door and as I left said, “this was good, lets do it again”.

As I walked out I nodded as if I was agreeing but in that moment I was thinking about how weird it was that I felt nothing. I mean my V hurt like a bitch but besides that I felt numb. I though to my self I will never talk to him again. I got in my car and drove home. On my way home I began to feel more and more uneasy, finally I broke. I began to sob and weep. I had to pull over on the side of the road and I called my older cousin emily. She and i are really close. I told her everything, she listened and told me to go home and go to sleep.

The next day I woke up and I felt disgusting. I couldn’t get out of bed all day, i just kept thinking about how dirty and gross I felt. I was sore, i was sad, and I was scared.

About two weeks later i was in canada on a family vacation where my cousin and I broke away and I bought a pregnancy test. I took it. And it was negative. My heart was so relieved. i had been holding in this secret from everyone in my life except for her in fear that I was pregnant and if I was pregnant i wouldn’t want anyone to know until i could figure out what I wanted. But I wasn’t. I was so relieved. After this experience I was exhausted. I hadn’t been sleeping much since the sex because I was so worried. The next day I got in a huge fight with my mom and my brother and eventually I broke down and told them what had been going on in my life. They quizzed me about the facts but I kept quiet. They wanted to know who I had sex with, they kept saying names of my guy friends ( I wish, it would have been a lot easier). I kept shaking my head and not responding.

I was relieved and scared to eve have sex again. To be honest I haven’t even kissed a guy since then. It was frightening and Im so afraid for what college will bring next year. I don’t know if I’m ready, but whatever happens at least I know it can’t be as bad as my first.

gross. but i still flirt with guys on it.....

gross. but i still flirt with guys on it…..



photography and what i learned

I have become more and more aware of the presence art has in my life. As i grow older and I experience more things I have begun to realize that I can’t function without the art that I make. Everything that I do is a way of surviving, its like therapy. Even thought Im not the best art has helped me survive and I owe it because with out it i probably would be dead. Here are some examples of my photography and my thumbnail is also a photo that I took.

this is at redondo beach CA

this is at redondo beach CA

this is in clarion alley san francisco ca

this is in clarion alley san francisco ca

this is in the baltimore national aquarium

this is in the baltimore national aquarium



with life there comes consequences

This past year Ive wanted to live so much that I forgot who I truly was. After my dad died I put my morals aside and I began to act like a different person. First came getting my first kiss out of the way. I was 15 I felt ugly and weird so I took to where I met a 21 year old named spencer. We went out to lunch and then walked around a park while we were in the park we made out. I was electrified (now I realize he was the worst kisser EVER) and i couldn’t believe it was happening. He thought I was 18 because thats what my profile said so then we ended up in his car where we did some hand stuff and then I blew him. I went from never kissing someone to blowing a 21 year  old stranger in about 30 mins. After this experience I began to seek more new experiences where I found drugs and alcohol to be exciting and fun. I had never gotten drunk or smoked weed, but i wanted that to change so the weekend before my junior year in high school my best friend and I went to a big music festival. By the end of the 3 days we had smoked drank made out with random people and take questionable pills that I later came to have a great relationship with (molly). This weekend was a euphoric experience. I threw myself into parting and drinking and smoking. It got so bad my grades fell from a perfect 4.0 to a 3.0 in a semester. My life was crashing and burning and I was watching it happen. I was smoking weed and hiding my alcohol and drug use from everyone until I had sex. Up to this point I was holding onto my virginity for dear life, I was the dirtiest virgin ever, but at least I was one. I was 17 and I found a cute guy named charlie on tinder. We hangout outside of stacks one night in between junior and senior year. We sat on the curb smoking vapor pens and flirting. It felt good. He liked me. He took my virginity. I felt gross. My year was gone.

My Life

Now that I have gotten my first post out of the way let me tell you about my life.

I have one older brother who is 30. His name is Bri. Bri is like that golden child that I am convinced my mom likes more than me even though she will never admit it. He is successful and makes good money and lives in a fancy condo on the east coast with his boyfriend Nick. They have been together for 4 isn years and are going to get married soonish (like with in the next few years).

My Dad died when I was 15 from a pulmonary embalism (I can’t spell). It was unexpected but he was struggling with a lot of other things at the time so his death was not completely random. He was bi-polar. He didn’t change his mind every second like people think, he just had long periods of extremes. He had long bouts of depression and mania. In 2008 he was so depressed he tried to commit suicide. I was 11 and I found him on the couch after he OD’ed on my dogs seizure meds. He went to the metal hospital twice, once after his suicide attempt and again about 6 months before he died because he was so manic. It was on his second visit to the psych ward that they diagnosed him with bi polar. Regardless of all the shit my dad put me through he was still a great dad and I love him a lot. He taught me a lot and was my biggest cheerleader. He was my best friend and I love him deeply.

My mom is now a single parent. She works a lot cause she owns her own firm and she spends about 6 days a week consumed with work. She is a great mom and provides  a lot for me. I love her dearly and I don’t know where I’d be without her.  She pulled me out of some dark days. She has never left my side and continues to love me no matter what. She is honestly my best friend and I’m not ashamed of saying that.

I have my best friend Zoe. She saved me from killing myself after my dad died. After my dad died I started cutting and I got really depressed so I told my old group of friends and they went to my schools administration nd told them I was suicidal. I was pulled into the office and they had to do an E Val on me. I got pissed at them and I felt even more alpine. I yelled at them and told them they weren’t being good friends. They went behind my back and it sucked. I was ambushed. Anyways the moral of the story is they all left me and I had no friends. I was self harming, my dad had just died, I was alone, and I was mad at everyone around me. Zoe reached out to me because her dad died when she was young and then she listened to me and talked to me and helped me through all of it. She really helped me. Now we are still close. I don’t think we will ever stop being friends cause of what we went through together.

I also have 3 cats. They are all named after planets/solar system themed things. I usually just refer to them as the solar system. I love them a lot and they are the cutest things ever. The momma cat is named neptune. Last year we rescued her and while we were on a trip over summer break zoe let her out before she was fixed and she got knocked up. She had 5 kittens and had to get a c-section cause her vag was too small to birth them. We kept too of the kittens and adopted the rest of them out. Mars is my baby boy cat. The other ones official name is star but she is all grey with a white tip pn her tail so we call her a variation of baby/kitty white tail/stink butt (she is really small and really sassy).

I live in a big house with my mom and cats an we are getting ready to sell it. Ive lived here since I was 3 and Im nervous to leave. I live in a suburb of a medium sized city. For the sake of privacy (even though who knows why Im writing this in the first place if I want privacy) Im not going to say the names. I go to an all girls school in downtown and I have to drive 30 mins into the city everyday to get to school. Its catholic and big and all girls. Its grand…. anyways High school sucks ( like I said previously) and you will get to find out why.


Ive never really done this before. Not a shock considering I’m an 18 year old girl writing a blog about my life. I guess I created this so I could journal anonymously and it could be shared but now one would have to know who I am. I want to talk about my life and have something to spew my random bits of weirdness to without getting weird looks or stares or whatever.

Like I said I’m 18. Im graduating in a months from high School. I hate high school. boohoo. Same boing story of a girl who hates high school and just wants to go to college. Even though that might be true I like to think I’m more original than that. Or somehow my life might interest you in someway. selfish? maybe. But maybe blogging is just like free therapy.