Some people could call me a reinvented virgin, I just think of my self as on a prolonged sex vacation. I had sex for the first and last time on June 14 last year. I lost my V card to a young gentleman named charlie whom I met on the fine app known as tinder. Sex sucked, he tried about 10 times before I said yes. He kept asking to fuck and I kept saying no…finally I gave up I said yes. We got naked did some 69 action, and then he was inside me. Boy it hurt like hell. I was screaming and crying out. He thought that I was having so many orgasms but really I was yelling in pain. What felt like 3 hours was probably about 60 seconds he pulled out and came all over me. Some got in my v and I started freaking out thinking I was gonna get preggo. I ran to the bathroom and washed it off and wiped it all off but the damage was done. What if I was pregnant. I walked back into his room naked where he was sitting on the bed I sat next to him.
I said, “I realize I don’t know your last name”
He replied but in my freaked out mindset it went over my head. I got dressed quickly and walked out.
He followed me to the door and as I left said, “this was good, lets do it again”.
As I walked out I nodded as if I was agreeing but in that moment I was thinking about how weird it was that I felt nothing. I mean my V hurt like a bitch but besides that I felt numb. I though to my self I will never talk to him again. I got in my car and drove home. On my way home I began to feel more and more uneasy, finally I broke. I began to sob and weep. I had to pull over on the side of the road and I called my older cousin emily. She and i are really close. I told her everything, she listened and told me to go home and go to sleep.
The next day I woke up and I felt disgusting. I couldn’t get out of bed all day, i just kept thinking about how dirty and gross I felt. I was sore, i was sad, and I was scared.
About two weeks later i was in canada on a family vacation where my cousin and I broke away and I bought a pregnancy test. I took it. And it was negative. My heart was so relieved. i had been holding in this secret from everyone in my life except for her in fear that I was pregnant and if I was pregnant i wouldn’t want anyone to know until i could figure out what I wanted. But I wasn’t. I was so relieved. After this experience I was exhausted. I hadn’t been sleeping much since the sex because I was so worried. The next day I got in a huge fight with my mom and my brother and eventually I broke down and told them what had been going on in my life. They quizzed me about the facts but I kept quiet. They wanted to know who I had sex with, they kept saying names of my guy friends ( I wish, it would have been a lot easier). I kept shaking my head and not responding.
I was relieved and scared to eve have sex again. To be honest I haven’t even kissed a guy since then. It was frightening and Im so afraid for what college will bring next year. I don’t know if I’m ready, but whatever happens at least I know it can’t be as bad as my first.