Behind my eyelids I can imagine you are alive. That your life wasn’t hard and didn’t affect me. I can imagine that I’m happy and your happy and that we are happy together and that you never died and and that my happiness didn’t die with you. I can pretend that I’m happy when my eyes are closed. I can pretend that my life is normal and that I have friends, real friends that help one another whenever they need it. Friends that love eachother. friends in general would be nice too. I wonder what I did to deserve to only be happy behind my eyelids. I can see beautiful things and imagine a world full of color and joy and hope but when I open them all I see is gray, with tiny spots of color here and there. Some people might call this depression but I don’t believe them. I have been like this my whole life, I can read people and see right through them. But sometimes I’m too afraid of people and who they truly are that I close my eyes and imagine that they are the people I wish that they could be. When I open my eyes and see those people I can’t decipher between my imaginary persona for them and who they truly are. I want life to always be how it is behind my eyelids where everyone is full of joy and hope for a bright future and there is no brutality and trauma but life cannot be like that. I’m not sure why but all I know is that it can’t. We are born to die. It’s the cold hard truth but its the to between born and die that is life. Life is time and opportunity. And in this time I have I’m trying to make opportunity for happiness and that is why I close my eyes and dream of a life where we can be happy together. A life where I had a normal child hood a life where I’m proud of myself a life where I don’t fight with the ones I love a life where I’m happy. A life where no bad things happen.
(I don’t smoke anymore so save the lecture)